What it looks like from the inside

Has it come to this, what someone looks like? Of course it’s multilayered, convoluted, stewing in years and pounds of matter, like compost. But yesterday I had a breakdown and a breakthrough. I told Lina, and myself, out loud, that sometimes to me she looks like a woman and sometimes she looks like a man and that is really hard. H-h-h-hard I said, between sobs and gasps because telling someone you love something like that is excruciating. Admitting it to yourself is shameful. Outsiders might say, of course you feel that way. But saying it out loud to the person you love, the person you are married to, the person you root for in every way possible? Sucks.
 
I went to the doctor today and got a prescription for antidepressants. I’ve used them before with great results, but I also think that placebos would work just as well, given my history of getting off them, then on, and feeling better immediately. But I’ll take a psychosomatic cure. Whatever works. I have a twofold problem right now. Not only does depression put me (and everyone) in a downward spiral, turning everything gray and black, in my case it’s exacerbating another issue – my crazy “syndrome” of Mal de Debarquement, which is an inner-ear disease that causes a rocking sensation. When I’m not under stress, it’s very mild. When I’m stressed it’s very elevated. And when I’m depressed, I get overwhelmed, and, hence, stressed, much quicker. So I’m hoping that medication will both boost my energy, and help me get into an upward spiral, and control the rocking.

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